After I gave birth, I had fully anticipated the baby blues. Since I was young, I feared (sort of irrationally) that I would have difficult pregnancies and postpartum depression. The cloud of sadness I call depression has been a like an unwelcome, intrusive relative barging into my life since I was thirteen. It sort of ebbs and flows in and out of my life throughout the seasons. I had a pretty difficult pregnancy emotionally, so I expected to get a bad case of the baby blues once he was born. But amazingly I have not.
I wrote in my journal a couple of weeks ago, "I'm not depressed. None of my projections of my future as a mother included me NOT being depressed..." It's really rather shocking to me.
When I talked to Stevie about this, he responded with excitement but not surprise. He has been praying for me everyday for a long time. He prays daily that God would give me joy and freedom from depression. I confess I have not had the same devotion to such radical prayer.
I'm ashamed to admit that I silently don't believe God can do it. After all, depression has weighed me down for years, infecting virtually every aspect of my life. I've learned how to cope, how to hide, how to fake... It has become a part of my identity. Surely, God cannot sever such a powerful thing that has latched on to me.
Is my faith so weak that I cannot trust God with my psyche? Do I think God so small that He cannot trade my sadness for joy? Have I forgotten seasons when I have been freed from depressions' heavy load? If those seasons weren't a gift of God, I don't know what is.
It's amazing how quickly I forget God's faithfulness - Embarrassing really. He has done it before, He can do it again! Oh God, forgive me for my unbelief!
So, I'm not depressed. That is truly an answer to prayer. Perhaps this is just a season. I do not think that my days of having a downcast soul are over altogether. And even if I do sink back into depression, I hold that God is good and is no less good when I am sad. But whatever happens tomorrow, I am so thankful for this precious time enjoying my little one without the weight of a heavy soul.
I really believe I was made for this motherhood thing. It feels like all my life experience, work experience, gifts and talents, hopes and dreams, have been preparing me for this all-encompassing role of mother. I have a purpose, deeper and stronger than before, that gives life to even the most mundane daily tasks. Not that I didn't have a purpose before - to serve God and love people - but that now I have a role as wife and mother to execute that purpose. I'm not sure how much sense I'm making. I start to ramble on when I've been writing a while. So I'll wrap it up by saying
Praise God for showing His face to me in this season... I hope He entrusts more little souls to us in the future!
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